I recently read a blog that pretty much said so many things that I've always wanted to say, but have been too afraid to say. She talked about how the barista at starbucks assumed she had it all together when she really didn't. Then vice versa that barista at starbucks seemed to not have too bad of a life either, but that coffee customer would never know. As a former starbucks barista I can tell you most of them are really good at putting on a smile while they make your coffee. It's what they are trained to do, even if on the inside they are dying.
Most of my blogs are about my kids or my art. Very rarely are they about me. The things I usually let people see are the pictures and videos of my and my happy children making art projects, but what people don't know is that before the pictures are taken I move all the clutter out of the way so you think my house is clean.
Every morning when I wake up I put on my mask so that no one sees what I'm really feeling or thinking. I think most of us wear a similar mask. It feels easier to hide the clutter. I've always wanted to take it off for a second for others to see..
I put my mask on so my 9 year old daughter doesn't know that I constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I know she's sensitive. I was a sensitive little girl too and I remember so much about what my parents said and did that I'm sure they don't realize I remember. I don't want her to know how much I worry about her when she's not with me. I worry about what others will do or say to upset her while I'm not there to make it better. I worry about who her friends are and what she's exposed to. She's so innocent and I want to keep her that way as long as possible.
There is the mask that my 5 year old sees. She thinks I don't want her to crawl into bed with me when really I want to hold her so tight and never let her go. I don't want her to see how tired I really am when I take her to the park when I'd rather take a nap.
I don't want them to know that I pretty much always feel like I'm not a good enough mother to them. When I forget I told them we'd do art today or bake cookies yesterday.
I put on a mask that says I'd rather go to work than stay home with my newborn baby. The truth is I want to be the one to hold him and love on him, but knowing we need the money more really hurts. It hurts to have to tell him bye when I leave and I think about him constantly while I'm gone. Don't get me wrong, I love a break! but all I want is a break. All I want is to leave him with someone when I want to and not because I have to.
I put on a mask so that my dad doesn't see the things that I struggle with. My dad is the type of guy that would do anything for his children and grandchildren and I don't want him to fix this for me.
I pretend to be a confident artist when I'm really not at all!
I'm always worried about what other people think.
I don't think I'm good at cleaning so I just try to avoid it.
I don't like brushing/fixing my hair which is why I keep it short.
I don't like all of my kids friends!
I always worried that one day my husband will see me as not good enough, and I'm always relieved each anniversary when I realize he still thinks I am. (My husband is freaking amazing, by the way!)
I hate when I have to ask my parents for help so I try so hard no to.
I always feel like I care more about everyone else than they do about me and it hurts to think about such things.
I constantly put others needs before my own and that makes life tough!
I delete my blogs all the time because I worry about what people will think about them!
I feel very alone. Even in a room full of people I still feel so incredibly alone, but I don't let anyone know it.
I'm constantly seeking reassurance that I am a good artist, mother, wife, daughter, teacher, and friend.
It's just easier to let people see the mask I put on as confident artist, mother, wife, daughter, and teacher.
I've struggled with putting the out there wondering what people might think, or what my dad might think. I think people my think "I've been there too!" I think my dad will see that I'm no different than he is and that I struggle with a lot of the same things he does and that I've grown up to be just as amazing as he is.
Most of my blogs are about my kids or my art. Very rarely are they about me. The things I usually let people see are the pictures and videos of my and my happy children making art projects, but what people don't know is that before the pictures are taken I move all the clutter out of the way so you think my house is clean.
Every morning when I wake up I put on my mask so that no one sees what I'm really feeling or thinking. I think most of us wear a similar mask. It feels easier to hide the clutter. I've always wanted to take it off for a second for others to see..
I put my mask on so my 9 year old daughter doesn't know that I constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I know she's sensitive. I was a sensitive little girl too and I remember so much about what my parents said and did that I'm sure they don't realize I remember. I don't want her to know how much I worry about her when she's not with me. I worry about what others will do or say to upset her while I'm not there to make it better. I worry about who her friends are and what she's exposed to. She's so innocent and I want to keep her that way as long as possible.
There is the mask that my 5 year old sees. She thinks I don't want her to crawl into bed with me when really I want to hold her so tight and never let her go. I don't want her to see how tired I really am when I take her to the park when I'd rather take a nap.
I don't want them to know that I pretty much always feel like I'm not a good enough mother to them. When I forget I told them we'd do art today or bake cookies yesterday.
I put on a mask that says I'd rather go to work than stay home with my newborn baby. The truth is I want to be the one to hold him and love on him, but knowing we need the money more really hurts. It hurts to have to tell him bye when I leave and I think about him constantly while I'm gone. Don't get me wrong, I love a break! but all I want is a break. All I want is to leave him with someone when I want to and not because I have to.
I put on a mask so that my dad doesn't see the things that I struggle with. My dad is the type of guy that would do anything for his children and grandchildren and I don't want him to fix this for me.
I pretend to be a confident artist when I'm really not at all!
I'm always worried about what other people think.
I don't think I'm good at cleaning so I just try to avoid it.
I don't like brushing/fixing my hair which is why I keep it short.
I don't like all of my kids friends!
I always worried that one day my husband will see me as not good enough, and I'm always relieved each anniversary when I realize he still thinks I am. (My husband is freaking amazing, by the way!)
I hate when I have to ask my parents for help so I try so hard no to.
I always feel like I care more about everyone else than they do about me and it hurts to think about such things.
I constantly put others needs before my own and that makes life tough!
I delete my blogs all the time because I worry about what people will think about them!
I feel very alone. Even in a room full of people I still feel so incredibly alone, but I don't let anyone know it.
I'm constantly seeking reassurance that I am a good artist, mother, wife, daughter, teacher, and friend.
It's just easier to let people see the mask I put on as confident artist, mother, wife, daughter, and teacher.
I've struggled with putting the out there wondering what people might think, or what my dad might think. I think people my think "I've been there too!" I think my dad will see that I'm no different than he is and that I struggle with a lot of the same things he does and that I've grown up to be just as amazing as he is.
Well, I do not know what other people will think, but I suspect they will think - here is a very honest and sincere person who (like the rest of us) often wears a mask and hides what is deep inside. Yet, unlike so many others who quit, you keep going - you still manage to juggle being a wife, being the best aunt ever, working, preparing meals, washing clothes, cleaning, juggling finances, schedules, and meeting your families needs - running errands, writing, painting, being one of the most creative people - ever, finding time to be a great friend, being an excellent teacher, being a sister (and sister-in-law) who is always there, being an absolutely amazing daughter, and raising three wonderful children. So if others who really know you read this - I suspect they would join me in saying - you are an amazing person!
ReplyDeleteAs for what I think ... I was in tears by the time I got to the end of this.
It is okay to wear a mask so long as you know, it is only a mask. Always be true to yourself (as you are in writing this) and you will reach places deep within yourself that few people ever know.
It is the people who wear masks and never realize it that I feel sorry for. They think the masks they wear is the real them and the lives they live are but shallow reflections of unknown potential.
At least you are honest enough to look deep within and see the many masks. SMany others do not. They go through the motions of living, all the while thinking - that is all there is to life.
You are so ... courageous. Too often we take the easy road, but not you. You do the hard work to do the right thing to be true to yourself (no matter how many masks you wear). When others would quit or take a short cut - you hold your hands to the plow and keep going and do what needs to be done.
I know it is not easy. I know it is a huge struggle at times. I am happy to help when I can.
I think we all have doubts about ourselves. I think others will read this and see themselves in many of your words (just as I did). I think the masks we all wear can be overwhelming at times to the point where we wear our masks when we look in the mirror. It is brutal honesty that allows you to take off the mask (in public at that) and let the doubts and fears surface. We all have doubts and fears. We second guess ourselves even though we know deep within we have done a good job.
You are a VERY talented artist! You have excelled at being a mom (Angel, Abigail, and Captain have to be the luckiest children ever). And there is nothing you could do to make me any prouder of you than I am right now.
You will always be - my little girl. I am sorry for all of the times I failed you, but so very, very proud that despite my short comings, you turned out to be far more amazing than I ever dreamed possible!!
With much, much love - Dad.
I'm just reading this today. It means a lot to read this response. Just so you know, you never failed me. If anything all the things you did when I was younger made me a stronger adult.
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