The tough decisions...

In the summer of 2014 my husband and I both lost our jobs. It was a very difficult time for us finacially. We both worked several part-time/low paying jobs and went through all of our savings just to get by.

I had to close my art studio and bring all my supplies home. As I was putting my supplies away in my

attic, I remembered some advice I'd gotten from a missionary I once knew named Fred Bennet. Fred use to tell my highschool friends and I stories of all his adventures around the world and we thought he was the coolest person on the planet. I couldn't tell you what countries he's been to or what languages he knew, but I can remember the most important thing he ever said. "If you find yourself in a place where you don't know what to do or where to go next, be a missionary. Be a volunteer somewhere. Take what resources and talents you have and bless someone with them and you'll be amazed at what doors will open for you." Remembering those words made me realize what a waste it was to have my art supplies in the attic. I decided to take my supplies and offer free art classes at our local library. It was a huge hit until I ran out of supplies, but it helped me get a job teaching art at a local private school. I also became an assistant teacher there.

Meanwhile, my husband got a great job himself. We still weren't making the same amount of money we made before losing our previous jobs, but we were both happy and our working hours were much better. Everything was going perfect for us. Things were picking up and looking better.

At the end of last year we found out I was pregnant again. It was a nice surprise, but still a surprise. Dispite that things stayed the same.

The Captain made his entrance into the world on the evening of August 22. At the time I thought the 2015-16 school year would be no different than the previous year. A month after he was born I started working at my school again, but this time I didn't work near as much. The school didn't have as many kids and didn't need me as much. Finding childcare the few hours I do work as been a bigger struggle than not. He smiled for the first time a couple weeks ago. I was lucky enough to be home to see it, most likely because I don't work that many hours.

When I think about it I was home for the first year of both my girls lives. Leaving my little boy even with people I trust is hard. It's not that I think he's in danger or not safe without me. What I worry about is all the things I'll miss out on. I don't want to miss seeing him grow. I don't want to miss any smiles. I want to hear his first giggle and see his first steps.

Abigail is doing fantastic in preschool. I really love her school. (Shout out of Discovery Time!) Angel, however, is really struggling with 3rd grade. As most of you know it took Angel two years to finish 1st grade (I don't like to say she was held back or failed, but instead that it took her longer to complete the grade) and I'd rather it not take her two years to complete another grade.

Each afternoon as I help her learn her multiplication facts and spelling words, I think about how well she does with me one on one. Yesturday we were in the baby's room. I was using a program on the computer that would give a multiplication fact. I'd call out the problem and Angel would shout the answer as I typed it in. We did this for almost an hour until she could spit her facts out in less than 5 seconds from her 0s to her 6s. There were moments that she walked circles around the room or crawled around on all fours. At one point she rolled herself up like a pretzle and rolled around on the floor while still managing to spit out the answers. She used silly voices sometimes or sang the answers. She danced around the room and seemed to have fun practicing these facts. We actually had a lot of fun working on her math. It made me wish we had more time. There just isn't enough time each afternoon for me to help her with her school work the way I'd like to.

I've thought of homeschooling Angel since I first put her in school 6 years ago. Thinking about the financial strain it would put on our family as always put the idea in the back of my mind.

Many of the kids I work with at my school are just as imporant to me as my own kids. I love my job so much, but I love my kids more. Two of them really need me to be at home right now. I absolutly don't want to give up such a good thing. I know I'm making a difference there, and I can't stress enough how much I love what I do. The idea of leaving the school I work for makes me sick to my stomach to think about. The idea of missing my boy's first words and watching Angel struggle with school to the point of real tears coming from her eyes makes me even sicker.

The struggle is very real and very hard. Trying to make the best decisions in life are very difficult... No one wants to look back and say "Yeah.. I really messed that one up.." Especially when it comes to kids... This includes my own children and the students I teach...

So what's the answer? What's the conclusion? I'll post that as soon as I know!