Elliemay

Ursula

Frekles

The tough decisions...

In the summer of 2014 my husband and I both lost our jobs. It was a very difficult time for us finacially. We both worked several part-time/low paying jobs and went through all of our savings just to get by.

I had to close my art studio and bring all my supplies home. As I was putting my supplies away in my

attic, I remembered some advice I'd gotten from a missionary I once knew named Fred Bennet. Fred use to tell my highschool friends and I stories of all his adventures around the world and we thought he was the coolest person on the planet. I couldn't tell you what countries he's been to or what languages he knew, but I can remember the most important thing he ever said. "If you find yourself in a place where you don't know what to do or where to go next, be a missionary. Be a volunteer somewhere. Take what resources and talents you have and bless someone with them and you'll be amazed at what doors will open for you." Remembering those words made me realize what a waste it was to have my art supplies in the attic. I decided to take my supplies and offer free art classes at our local library. It was a huge hit until I ran out of supplies, but it helped me get a job teaching art at a local private school. I also became an assistant teacher there.

Meanwhile, my husband got a great job himself. We still weren't making the same amount of money we made before losing our previous jobs, but we were both happy and our working hours were much better. Everything was going perfect for us. Things were picking up and looking better.

At the end of last year we found out I was pregnant again. It was a nice surprise, but still a surprise. Dispite that things stayed the same.

The Captain made his entrance into the world on the evening of August 22. At the time I thought the 2015-16 school year would be no different than the previous year. A month after he was born I started working at my school again, but this time I didn't work near as much. The school didn't have as many kids and didn't need me as much. Finding childcare the few hours I do work as been a bigger struggle than not. He smiled for the first time a couple weeks ago. I was lucky enough to be home to see it, most likely because I don't work that many hours.

When I think about it I was home for the first year of both my girls lives. Leaving my little boy even with people I trust is hard. It's not that I think he's in danger or not safe without me. What I worry about is all the things I'll miss out on. I don't want to miss seeing him grow. I don't want to miss any smiles. I want to hear his first giggle and see his first steps.

Abigail is doing fantastic in preschool. I really love her school. (Shout out of Discovery Time!) Angel, however, is really struggling with 3rd grade. As most of you know it took Angel two years to finish 1st grade (I don't like to say she was held back or failed, but instead that it took her longer to complete the grade) and I'd rather it not take her two years to complete another grade.

Each afternoon as I help her learn her multiplication facts and spelling words, I think about how well she does with me one on one. Yesturday we were in the baby's room. I was using a program on the computer that would give a multiplication fact. I'd call out the problem and Angel would shout the answer as I typed it in. We did this for almost an hour until she could spit her facts out in less than 5 seconds from her 0s to her 6s. There were moments that she walked circles around the room or crawled around on all fours. At one point she rolled herself up like a pretzle and rolled around on the floor while still managing to spit out the answers. She used silly voices sometimes or sang the answers. She danced around the room and seemed to have fun practicing these facts. We actually had a lot of fun working on her math. It made me wish we had more time. There just isn't enough time each afternoon for me to help her with her school work the way I'd like to.

I've thought of homeschooling Angel since I first put her in school 6 years ago. Thinking about the financial strain it would put on our family as always put the idea in the back of my mind.

Many of the kids I work with at my school are just as imporant to me as my own kids. I love my job so much, but I love my kids more. Two of them really need me to be at home right now. I absolutly don't want to give up such a good thing. I know I'm making a difference there, and I can't stress enough how much I love what I do. The idea of leaving the school I work for makes me sick to my stomach to think about. The idea of missing my boy's first words and watching Angel struggle with school to the point of real tears coming from her eyes makes me even sicker.

The struggle is very real and very hard. Trying to make the best decisions in life are very difficult... No one wants to look back and say "Yeah.. I really messed that one up.." Especially when it comes to kids... This includes my own children and the students I teach...

So what's the answer? What's the conclusion? I'll post that as soon as I know!

Let's Get Real...

I recently read a blog that pretty much said so many things that I've always wanted to say, but have been too afraid to say. She talked about how the barista at starbucks assumed she had it all together when she really didn't. Then vice versa that barista at starbucks seemed to not have too bad of a life either, but that coffee customer would never know. As a former starbucks barista I can tell you most of them are really good at putting on a smile while they make your coffee. It's what they are trained to do, even if on the inside they are dying.

Most of my blogs are about my kids or my art. Very rarely are they about me. The things I usually let people see are the pictures and videos of my and my happy children making art projects, but what people don't know is that before the pictures are taken I move all the clutter out of the way so you think my house is clean.

Every morning when I wake up I put on my mask so that no one sees what I'm really feeling or thinking. I think most of us wear a similar mask. It feels easier to hide the clutter. I've always wanted to take it off for a second for others to see..

I put my mask on so my 9 year old daughter doesn't know that I constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I know she's sensitive. I was a sensitive little girl too and I remember so much about what my parents said and did that I'm sure they don't realize I remember. I don't want her to know how much I worry about her when she's not with me. I worry about what others will do or say to upset her while I'm not there to make it better. I worry about who her friends are and what she's exposed to. She's so innocent and I want to keep her that way as long as possible.

There is the mask that my 5 year old sees. She thinks I don't want her to crawl into bed with me when really I want to hold her so tight and never let her go. I don't want her to see how tired I really am when I take her to the park when I'd rather take a nap.

I don't want them to know that I pretty much always feel like I'm not a good enough mother to them. When I forget I told them we'd do art today or bake cookies yesterday.

I put on a mask that says I'd rather go to work than stay home with my newborn baby. The truth is I want to be the one to hold him and love on him, but knowing we need the money more really hurts. It hurts to have to tell him bye when I leave and I think about him constantly while I'm gone. Don't get me wrong, I love a break! but all I want is a break. All I want is to leave him with someone when I want to and not because I have to.

I put on a mask so that my dad doesn't see the things that I struggle with. My dad is the type of guy that would do anything for his children and grandchildren and I don't want him to fix this for me.

I pretend to be a confident artist when I'm really not at all!

I'm always worried about what other people think.

I don't think I'm good at cleaning so I just try to avoid it.

I don't like brushing/fixing my hair which is why I keep it short.

I don't like all of my kids friends!

I always worried that one day my husband will see me as not good enough, and I'm always relieved each anniversary when I realize he still thinks I am. (My husband is freaking amazing, by the way!)

I hate when I have to ask my parents for help so I try so hard no to.

I always feel like I care more about everyone else than they do about me and it hurts to think about such things.

I constantly put others needs before my own and that makes life tough!

I delete my blogs all the time because I worry about what people will think about them!

I feel very alone. Even in a room full of people I still feel so incredibly alone, but I don't let anyone know it.

I'm constantly seeking reassurance that I am a good artist, mother, wife, daughter, teacher, and friend.

It's just easier to let people see the mask I put on as confident artist, mother, wife, daughter, and teacher.

I've struggled with putting the out there wondering what people might think, or what my dad might think. I think people my think "I've been there too!" I think my dad will see that I'm no different than he is and that I struggle with a lot of the same things he does and that I've grown up to be just as amazing as he is.